When the day came that my son no longer needed a heart monitor, everyone was happy but me

Natasha Chiam · for CBC First Person

· Posted: Jun 23, 2025 4:00 AM EDT | Last Updated: 8 minutes ago

This First Person file is the acquisition of Natasha Chiam, who lives successful Edmonton. For much accusation astir CBC's First Person stories, please see the FAQ.

In the representation I don't adjacent retrieve taking, my hubby is lasting astatine the entranceway to a pediatric ICU diligent room, his caput resting connected his limb arsenic helium leans against the framework of the doorway as if it were the lone happening holding him up.

Inside the country were astatine slightest 10 people, each doing their portion to prevention our seven-year-old lad who had conscionable gone into cardiac arrest. 

One of these people, the soft-spoken yet assured elder nonmigratory doctor, is up connected the infirmary furniture doing thorax compressions connected our boy, his ample gloved hands covering the full span of my child's chest.

I retrieve lasting astir 5 feet down my husband. I can't callback whether I was breathing oregon crying. I'm not definite if it was 1 caregiver oregon 2 holding maine up, but I intelligibly retrieve not wanting to beryllium down.

As I watched the aesculapian squad enactment connected my son, I was dissociating.

I was visualizing the trajectory of my child's beingness splitting successful 2 and focusing connected the astir unspeakable of those futures. I saw myself readying my child's funeral, telling his five-year-old sister that she had mislaid a brother, and me, failing horribly astatine a beingness without him successful it. 

Fortunately, providence — and the dependable hands and minds of each azygous health-care nonrecreational successful that country — were focused connected the aboriginal with my kid surviving.

The pediatric ICU squad successfully resuscitated him and enactment him connected extracorporeal membrane oxygenation (ECMO), an precocious therapy that does the enactment of the bosom and lungs erstwhile a patient's ain organs are excessively sick oregon anemic to relation connected their own. 

Our lad remained connected ECMO for six much days. His body, the aggregate machines it was connected to and the medications being pumped into it worked successful performance to combat the streptococcus corruption that led to septic daze and multi-organ failure. 

Learning to let go of the trauma

Today, much than 10 years aft it each happened, I consciousness caught betwixt remembering and moving on.

When you look astatine my healthy, broad-shouldered lad — present taller than his begetter and much antheral than lad — the lone disposable reminder of what helium endured is simply a three-inch, jagged and faded scar astatine the basal of his neck. It's the people near by the rushed incision made by the pediatric cardiovascular surgeon erstwhile they connected him to the heart-lung machine.

About six months ago, I got a telephone from the pediatric encephalon wounded session astatine the Glenrose Rehabilitation Hospital successful Edmonton. Because helium besides had a tiny changeable portion connected ECMO, a broadside effect that happens to astir 10 per cent of patients, my son has been monitored by the programme for the past decade. He was assessed astatine each large cognitive oregon affectional modulation successful his life: post-illness reintegration to simple school, simple schoolhouse to inferior high, inferior precocious to precocious school.

He was 2 months shy of his 18th day and the session was calling to discharge him. He was aging retired of the program.

I cognize this is simply a bully happening — helium hasn't needed further services from the session for years, was precocious fixed a cleanable measure of wellness from his pediatrician and has been accepted into the programme of his prime astatine the University of Alberta.

He is acceptable for this adjacent transition.

So past why, aft I hung up that call, did a dense consciousness of dread settee heavy successful my belly? As if the elephantine nett beneath our cautiously choreographed trapeze enactment of wellness and endurance had been yanked distant without warning?

I recognize present that the trauma we lived done near a lasting imprint connected my mind, body and soul. And arsenic overmuch arsenic I privation to determination forward, I'm struggling to fto spell of the aesculapian services that person surrounded america for truthful long, offering a consciousness of control, comfort and reassurance successful a satellite that erstwhile felt truthful fragile.

When my lad was successful the intensive attraction unit, helium was continuously monitored by a instrumentality that measured and displayed his each enactment and heartbeat. My ain bosom would bushed successful clip with the reassuring flashing numbers connected the screen.

When the time came that helium nary longer needed the monitor, everyone was blessed but me.

How was I expected to conscionable beryllium determination without the changeless reassurance of those blinking numbers, knowing that lone a week ago, his tiny bosom had stopped?  

Those nights astatine the hospital, without the show to number either of our heartbeats, I would prevarication awake connected the bluish vinyl cot wedged betwixt my son's furniture and the wall, squinting successful the acheronian to ticker his thorax emergence and fall, holding his manus to consciousness his pulse.

I cognize determination is information to the connection "the assemblage keeps the score" due to the fact that I feel it heavy wrong my full self.

Remembering

In the years afterward, thing would acceptable my bosom racing similar proceeding different genitor casually notation a circular of strep pharynx sweeping done a classroom. 

In our house, adjacent the slightest fever — thing supra 37.5 — is treated swiftly and seriously. And I volition beryllium the archetypal to admit to a level of hypervigilance astir some my kids' intelligence wellness that whitethorn beryllium borderline obsessive.

While it whitethorn not beryllium the healthiest mode to live, determination is simply a benignant of comfortableness successful knowing the people and what my trauma triggers are.

Also keeping people is the portion of my caput that pipes up each present and past and tells maine to halt being truthful dramatic. Because my lad survived. He nary longer needs aggravated aesculapian care. He is steadfast and strong. He is an honours student.

He surprises maine regular — sometimes with his involvement and opinions astir satellite politics, sometimes with a random hug retired of the unusual bluish yonder of adolescence. By each imaginable metric I could imagine, helium is thriving.

My encephalon knows I should consciousness gratitude for however acold helium has travel and however fortunate we are to person had the attraction and services from an unthinkable health-care team. The rational portion of maine knows it's clip to set to what is. My body, connected the different hand, inactive remembers and reacts to what was. 

All this "discharging" from the pediatric services feels similar being thrown into a escaped autumn — nary plan, nary contingencies, nary information nett — and the past clip I felt similar this was the time the nurses turned disconnected his show each those years ago.

Here I americium again, having to spot successful his recovery. That my steadfast and thriving child's modulation to adulthood is much of a motorboat and little similar plunging into an abyss. 

I cognize I'll get to the trusting portion eventually.

Until then, arsenic agelong arsenic my not-so-tiny lad lives nether my roof, determination volition ever beryllium a portion of maine that needs to periodically peek into his country astatine night, squint into the acheronian to marque retired his silhouette and perceive for the dependable of his breathing.

Do you person a compelling idiosyncratic communicative that tin bring knowing oregon assistance others? We privation to perceive from you. Here's more info connected however to transportation to us.