The unexpected losses of my dad and stepdad taught me a lesson on loving my son

Kimberley Falk · for CBC First Person

· Posted: Jun 15, 2025 4:00 AM EDT | Last Updated: 11 minutes ago

This First Person file is the acquisition of Kimberley Falk, who lives with her lad and spouse successful Lyndhurst, Ont. For much accusation astir CBC's First Person stories, please see the FAQ. 

They recovered my father's assemblage nether his Calgary Stampede poster, partially lying successful the bathtub. 

Always paranoid that idiosyncratic was trying to get him, my begetter had barricaded his doors, forcing his landlord to interruption successful done the window.

I had seen my biologic begetter lone doubly successful astir 2 decades, including 1 awkward gathering astatine an A&W edifice erstwhile my lad was five. 

Standing successful his location aft his death, surrounded by his possessions, I was struck by however overmuch and however small I knew him.

When my sister and I flew to Alberta to benignant done his belongings, his location inactive smelled similar him — that substance of diesel, beer, and saccharine musk I remembered from childhood. While bare brew cans could beryllium recovered scattered astir the house, an unopened tin sat connected his java table, waiting for a instrumentality that ne'er came.

I was amazed to spot a yellowish ineligible pad taped to his partition listed each grandchild's sanction and day successful his unmistakable superior letters.

"Look astatine this," I called to my sister, pointing to a representation of my lad printed from Facebook.

"He was keeping way of us."

His table revealed a gradual decline; handwriting that deteriorated from wide publication to shaky scrawls. Rescheduled aesculapian appointments he'd ne'er attended were meticulously recorded. 

My sister took the telephone from the aesculapian examiner, who told her our dada stopped breathing, and the apt origin of decease was liver failure.

My stepfather Bob entered my beingness erstwhile I was 4 and brought an wholly antithetic attack to fatherhood. Calling maine "Princess" and reminding maine to "remember who you are" whenever I near the house, Bob showed up for maine each day. 

Early mornings successful our location trailer meant Céline Dion playing done wood-panelled walls portion Bob and I sat unneurotic earlier everyone other woke up.

For my 13th birthday, Bob gave maine a paper with a hand-drawn smiley face. The connection wrong faded from memory, but to me, the paper itself was grounds that I belonged to idiosyncratic who cared. During pugnacious times, I'd often look astatine that paper arsenic a reminder that Bob had loved maine unconditionally.

"I emotion you," Bob called retired the past clip I saw him conscious successful the hospital. I was 19. Simple words I seldom heard from my biologic father.

I archer my son, present 13, I emotion him often, particularly erstwhile helium goes to spot his father. We stock custody, gathering halfway betwixt our cities for exchanges.

During these handoffs, I deliberation astir that paper and different keepsakes that person since been near behind. I wished I had 1 of these tangible reminders of belonging to springiness him for the clip he's away, connecting him to my father and stepfather. 

"Which gramps americium I astir like?" my lad sometimes asks, funny astir these men he'll ne'er know.

I survey his face, seeing echoes of some men. "You person qualities from both," I archer him. "And parts that are wholly yours."

I explicate that inheritance isn't destiny; we tin admit wherever we travel from portion deliberately choosing a antithetic path.

My lad rolls his eyes erstwhile I play Céline Dion, a philharmonic inheritance he'd happily disown.

But Bob's different legacies — like showing up consistently and different tiny regular rituals of connection — I've preserved and passed along, adjacent though they ne'er met. I anticipation helium feels my emotion for him. I similar to deliberation that I genitor with Bob's shade beside me, his lessons flowing done my approach.

As parents, we each permission these clues. Some talk it aloud similar Bob's final" I emotion you."

Others way birthdays connected yellowish ineligible pads, yet ne'er prime up the phone. I deliberation astir these clues arsenic I ticker my lad navigate his narration with his begetter and arsenic I effort to capable grandfather-shaped gaps with stories astir them.

I anticipation the clues I permission — some tangible and done words and actions — are wide capable that my lad ne'er questions whether helium was loved. If helium becomes a begetter someday, I privation him to instrumentality the champion from each antheral who shaped me, forging these qualities into thing stronger than either managed alone.

Most of all, I privation him to permission clearer clues astir his love; nonstop words and actions that permission nary country for doubt, requiring nary archeological excavation of meaning aft he's gone.

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