I was a lifelong thrifter, committed to buying second-hand. Then I became addicted

Jennifer LoveGrove · for CBC First Person

· Posted: Jun 05, 2025 4:00 AM EDT | Last Updated: June 5

This First Person file is the acquisition of Jennifer LoveGrove, who lives successful Toronto. For much accusation astir CBC's First Person stories, delight see the FAQ.

When I got location from work, determination were packages piled astatine my door. My spouse was connected his mode to my place. There wasn't clip to unfastened them, to effort connected the caller outfits, to station different thrift haul connected Instagram. Worse, I couldn't admit I'd bought thing other — thing surely cleanable this time! — contempt each the neglected outfits bursting from my closet. Cringing, I shoved the packages nether the sofa and retired of sight.

That's erstwhile I knew I had a problem, 1 much embarrassing than dangerous. It happened gradually, portion wearing ratty sweatpants, during the years betwixt the pandemic and turning 50. I had go addicted to shopping.

I've been a thrifter for arsenic agelong arsenic I tin remember. I grew up successful a tiny municipality and loved gait sales. As a child, I'd effort connected my grandmother's shoes and jewelry, and arsenic a teen I was thrilled to get like-new, hand-me-downs from a fashionable aunt. In precocious school, we'd cram into the car of whomever agreed to instrumentality america vintage buying successful adjacent Hamilton.

When I was younger, buying second-hand was not lone affordable, but one-of-a-kind manner was a mode I expressed my creativity. Buying utilized offered uniqueness; nary 1 other successful theatre people would beryllium wearing the aforesaid 1960s paisley formal with the sleeves chopped disconnected and a Dead Kennedys set logo glue-gunned onto the back.

Decades later, with the increasing consciousness of accelerated fashion's important relation successful the clime crisis, I became adjacent much committed to buying second-hand. Swaps, thrift stores and sites similar Poshmark and Facebook Marketplace provided the acquainted thrill of the hunt and unsocial finds, portion aligning with my values of sustainability.

But erstwhile the pandemic hit, my narration to buying changed. With plans cancelled oregon indefinitely postponed, I was alone, depressed and had thing to look guardant to. Learning to play the drums helped, but a achy wounded knocked maine down again.

Despite having obscurity to deterioration caller outfits, I began to cheer myself up by shopping.

It began, ironically, with a section Facebook radical dedicated to mindful depletion of second-hand fashion, which provided not conscionable large outfits but societal interaction and adjacent workout successful the signifier of motorcycle rides to spell prime up purchases.

I was inactive committed to second-hand fashion, but abruptly I couldn't get enough. When packages arrived, opening them boosted my mood, but the assistance was temporary. A vintage leather skirt offered anticipation that I'd someday be different concert, but it didn't fit. The beauteous cashmere cardigan was a steal but unbearably itchy against my delicate skin.

Not lone was I over-buying utilized clothing, I began buying new, too. If I liked thing utilized but it wasn't successful my size oregon sold to idiosyncratic else, I'd obsess, incapable to fto go, stalking it similar prey. A brace of high-rise wide-leg Levi's launched my enthusiasm into obsession. The utilized ones from Facebook didn't rather fit, and though I checked Poshmark often for my size, I mislaid patience, yet succumbing to buying them new.

WATCH | Second-hand buying cool among radical focused connected sustainability:

I should person stopped then; alternatively I doubled down. I conscionable hadn't recovered the close outfit yet, the benignant oregon look that would marque maine consciousness better.

My buying — and recognition paper indebtedness — was retired of control. One utilized Free People tunic was practical; did I request it successful 3 colours? I was ashamed. Once committed to ethical consumption, I'd go the opposite. A hypocrite.

After lockdowns and isolation were down me, my buying addiction persisted until I yet realized I'd go the benignant of shopper that I'd spent astir of my beingness obnoxiously judging: impulsive, undisciplined, unoriginal. 

Change of beingness changed my buying — again

The infinitesimal I recovered myself hiding the unopened packages nether the sofa coincided with the distressing changes of menopause. My assemblage and my moods felt alien to me. Nothing acceptable and everything ached. I was truthful bloated, I convinced myself it was a third-trimester Post-Menopausal Immaculate Conception (it wasn't).

The body-shaming dependable successful my mind, fed by patriarchy and the 1990s heroin-chic propaganda of my youth, had surged back. If lone I could find thing flattering — brushed pants, wrapper dress, linen tunic — I would consciousness bully again.

I resented my body, but I felt worse for caring astatine all. Clearly I'd failed arsenic a feminist if I'd internalized harmful fatphobia.

But erstwhile I stopped berating myself, I was capable to spot the affectional layers.

As a young thrifter, I was expressing a originative and ethical identity. During the pandemic, I wasn't buying outfits, I was buying hope. After perimenopause invaded my body, I was buying comfort.

I was trying to bargain backmost my past self.

That realization made the addiction little shallow, but it didn't marque it vanish. I inactive needed to curb the impulses and regain my confidence.

Now, earlier clicking the checkout button, I unit myself to reply a bid of questions: Did I genuinely request this, would it last, did I person thing similar?

I'm learning to (mostly) debar temptation. Resisting the impulse to bargain The Dress That Will Solve All My Problems is 1 challenge; accepting my aging assemblage — with its fluctuating sizes, random acne, sore shoulders and anxiousness — is another.

New outfits don't bestow assemblage acceptance, but playing the drums and cycling — carnal activities I emotion — are healthier mood-boosters. So is telling my interior professional to unopen up.

Despite the champion intentions, I learned however easy my behaviour tin veer distant from what I aspire to if I'm not vigilant. I'm inactive paying for each this, literally, but I'm upcycling my aged performance T-shirts into caller looks, purging my closet and feeling much myself.

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